


goodbye. for real, this time.

by aurelia_murphy



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Gen, in depth mentions of suicide, possibly triggering - please read at own risk., suicide note, vent.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-19 01:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22102798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aurelia_murphy/pseuds/aurelia_murphy
Summary: his pencil hit the paper. he was shaking. he was crying. he was leaving soon, and he wanted nothing more than to make them understand why it had to end this way.(a letter from neil perry to his friends, detailing why he chose to do what he did.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	goodbye. for real, this time.

**Author's Note:**

> please give this a chance!
> 
> i'm the person who wrote it, so i think i might be a tad bit biased, but i think there is something for everybody in here. i'm proud of this because it makes you think. 
> 
> please note that this was written at four in the morning with a sort of foggy memory of the smaller details of the movie. if it is ooc and does not exactly comply with canon, please forgive me. i only used neil as a vessel for all of my negative emotions and i think they carried over nicely.

dear dead poets society, 

i’ll start this off by saying that i wanted to write a long letter for each of you. an homage to the friendship we’ve shared, to the memories you’ve let me keep.

i don’t think i have enough left in me to write each one. pencil to paper is so much work, you know. hopefully this essay of a letter makes up for the fact that you don’t get one of your own. if this is the last thing you’re going to have left of me, i at least want it to be good. ever the overachiever, i am. 

don’t be sad. don’t cry, or whatever you might do. i will be wherever i end up and nothing, especially not my father, can touch me. it feels good to think that i will be free of him and the things everybody else expects of me soon. i actually smiled writing that - a miracle, huh? might as well do it one last time before i go. i keep saying (and thinking) ‘go’ like it’s some little temporary thing. im treating it like a vacation to belize (doesn’t that place sound just beautiful?), but it’s not. i won’t return. i hope to see you guys again, though. it’ll be pretty dull up (up? im not sure if it’s up, down, left, right or anywhere at all.) there without you guys to keep me company. 

i know this might be surprising to you guys. or maybe it isn’t, i don’t know. i don’t want to live anymore because, really, that isn’t what i’ve been doing all these years. all this time and i’ve only just now realized how much of a faker i am. this isn’t living. i don’t think so, at least. if this, this stupid conforming to what other people need of you thing, is living then im glad im doing what i’m about to do. i want no place in a life like that. a life where it’s like im wearing a mask all the time. that doesnt make much sense, does it? i mean a life where i’m living as anyone but myself.

this is really shitty to say, and i hope none of you tell anyone about this, but i hope my dad feels guilty. i hope he knows that this was partly his fault, because i put up with so much hurt because of him that i wished i had never been born. im sure he did, too, when he found out about the play. 

i can’t be what he wants me to. i can’t be who anybody else wants me to. i don’t know what to be on my own, so i suppose that leaves only one option, doesn’t it? to say goodbye to the shell of me, to the husk that contained only the spirit of everybody else.

nothing im saying makes sense.

i hope you guys take from this one lesson - rebel. live your life how you want to and don’t let any jerk fathers or uncertain thoughts get to you before it’s too late. it’s too late for me, but it’s not for you and i know it. join the club you want to. hand in your latest poem and be proud of it. be confident in yourself. don’t ever let somebody who doesn’t know you tell you who you are. 

is it odd that this is when i feel the most alive? i guess so.

goodbye. 

for real, this time.

-neil perry.


End file.
